Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infertility Series – Part One
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When I had my first miscarriage in January of 2017, I shared my story on the blog and with my community on Instagram. In the weeks that followed, I experienced so much love from strangers and heard so many personal stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. It was truly inspiring.
The kindness that I received, along with the knowledge that not everyone feels comfortable enough to share their story and get support in their daily lives inspired me to ask others if they would be brave enough to share their story with the world.
It is my hope that these stories will help people experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility feel a little less alone.
This is part one of our series, so please be sure to check out all of the series here.
Please note that some individuals have requested to remain anonymous, so there will be no name accompanying their story.
I’ve had two miscarriages. The first was almost 2 years ago. Me and my husband had been married for just over a year and decided to stop preventing pregnancy but we weren’t really tracking or anything. I got pregnant about 3 months in, then lost the baby at 6-7 weeks. It was really hard for us but my doctor kind of brushed it off as no big deal… so I tried to just move on
About 8 months later I had another miscarriage and yet again, my doctor brushed it off and said it was totally normal and I was young, I would probably eventually have a healthy pregnancy. This time I decided to go to another doctor who would hopefully understand and be more sensitive.
I found the BEST OBGYN ever. He ran a bunch of tests on me and found out I have the MTHFR gene mutation and the PAI-1 mutation. We started me on a few extra supplements and daily baby aspirin and I’m now pregnant again! It’s still kinda early but the baby is healthy so far!
During all of this, I found out a few of my other friends were going through similar things but didn’t want to say anything because they were embarrassed or their doctor had brushed it off as nothing too… that is so crazy to me. Losing a baby is not “nothing”! No matter how “young” you are or how much time you have left.
I have two kiddos ( daughter is 18 & son is 16) but my current husband has no biological children. I was 36 and we tried for only one month and got pregnant. I was so surprised but super excited.
We picked out names. Started buying baby stuff, etc. because I found out at 5 weeks and because of my age (I’m super healthy but age is an issue for doctor – not me) they had me doing bloodwork weekly and I had 2 ultrasounds before 8 weeks. My hubby came to the second one where we heard the heartbeat.
At 9 weeks I went in and they first took blood for gender and genetic testing and then brought me for another ultrasound. I couldn’t see much on screen and when I looked at the techs face… I knew… she said there was no heartbeat. I was hysterical to the point where they called my husband to come.
I squealed out I did everything right – I took prenatals, exercised, cut out sugar and coffee, etc. What did I do wrong?
The doctor told me I didn’t do anything wrong and this is common and happens in 1 in 4 women
Say what? I had no clue because it isn’t talked about.
I naively thought because I had two easy and great pregnancies that miscarriage wasn’t on my radar. I thought that only happened with women who had trouble getting pregnant.
We had just told our family the week before. I couldn’t call anyone so that terrible task fell on my husband to make the rounds and call everyone we told. I wouldn’t speak to anyone for days and refused to leave the house (I work from home so that wasn’t hard).
I posted on Facebook & Instagram because I felt alone and even though that isn’t for everyone, the amount of support and private messages came flowing in. People I never knew were ever pregnant shared similar stories and I didn’t feel so alone.
We are in our second month of trying again and I choose to believe we will have our rainbow baby. The pain doesn’t go away but I am the mom of three but one has wings and watches over me.
-Rebekah Schneider (follow her on Instagram here)
My husband and I had our first unexpected pregnancy happen in 2016. We were delighted and carried her without any concerns and had a wonderful birth in Oct 2016.
In Oct 2017 we started trying again and became pregnant right away and then I bled at 5 weeks and this started my journey with miscarriage. I only bled one brief time so I was left with some hope but after 3 sonos and tons of blood draws, I had a miscarriage. It was early, so I chose to take Cytotec. I didn’t let this get me down TOO much because I know they’re so common, but we definitely took time to grieve.
In March, I had a chemical pregnancy and miscarried at 4+3.
In May 2018, I became pregnant again and thought “this is the one!” It had to be, right? There’s no way with such a dark positive test on day 27 that it would end in a loss.
I had a sonogram at 6+1 but only measured 5+4 with no heartbeat. I was scheduled for a recheck 2 weeks later but didn’t make it that far before I started bleeding again and miscarried again.
At this point, I was defeated and no one could offer me what I needed to feel better. I decided to take time off and forget about having a second child because my hormones couldn’t handle the ups and downs.
In November we decided to try again. My only wish was to not be due in any of the months I would’ve been due with my angel babies. Probably a strange wish to most, but we used an ovulation kit and got pregnant our first try.
At this point, it felt almost frustrating that we could conceive SO easily but my body kept rejecting it and we couldn’t find a reason. This time I called and asked for blood work right away.
We learned that my progesterone level was in a low but ok range so I was put on suppositories starting at 4 weeks and heard a heartbeat again for the first time in nearly 3 years at 7+3. I’ve had several sonos at this point but I’m happily 21 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby and a little sister for my older daughter. I couldn’t feel more blessed to feel her kick me as I type this out.
I want every mama who’s lost a child to try and not lose total hope but to also know it’s okay to feel anxious and frustrated and downright mad about it all at the same time.
In November I fell pregnant after dating my boyfriend for 1 month. It was unexpected as all precautions were taken – however, it made me realize, that I’m not as okay with abortion as I thought. I couldn’t kill the life growing inside of me and we decided to keep it.
In GA 8 weeks I got my first US and it was amazing listening to her heartbeat. I fell in love, again. It was hard on our relationship, everything was going really fast but our love for each other was strong and so was the love for our little baby.
At 10 weeks we told our family and they were all excited, although surprised by the news. I was experiencing morning sickness and couldn’t stand up straight without throwing up. It was hard but worth it.
In the meantime, I was fighting with social services as I had a background of mental illnesses; it was difficult and it took a lot of energy having to fight extra hard for my baby. But we did it and had an amazing support system.
In GA 14 weeks we went to a new ultrasound and my boyfriend was in school so I had to go with my mother. I had just signed the lease for a new and bigger apartment. It was crazy, in 14 weeks my life turned upside down and everything kept changing. It was mindblowing. But amazing.
I was crocheting on a baby blanket for our baby in the waiting room; the last moment as a happy mother to be. And then, as I was laying on the bed and the midwife asked me if I’d had any bleeding lately, I froze.
I hadn’t had any bleeding, everything was perfect – no blood must indicate a perfect pregnancy. The midwife called in another doctor and then I realized something was wrong. I couldn’t hear a heartbeat and I forced myself to think that they probably forgot to put the sound on, cause the baby was there? I could see her? The doctor and midwife didn’t say anything and I finally asked about the heartbeat only to be confirmed in my worst fear; ‘I’m sorry, there’s no heartbeat’.
My world crashed into a thousand pieces. I’ve never really understood what grief and sorrow is. I couldn’t stop crying and I just sat in the corner of the room, unable to get up. I immediately had to engage in a discussion about ‘my options’ as they called it. I was put in a waiting room to ‘think about it’ as they said.
I decided on a D&C and got an appointment for the following morning. I was heartbroken and couldn’t form a proper sentence.
My mom called my best friends and they came by to just keep me company, stay by my side as I cried. The next day I went into induced labor and the pain was terrible. Knowing that the contractions wouldn’t lead to a baby was terrible. I remember my first thought being: I wish I never shared the news, allowed myself to celebrate the life growing inside of me.
But I was wrong, it was a good thing I told. I had an amazing support system and we decided to honor her life by remembering her as the tiny human being, who was taken away to quickly. (They told us at the US that it was a girl).
We named her Lumi, meaning Light of Life; cause she was. She really was. It’s now been 1.5 months since our loss and I’ve realized how many women go through a miscarriage but never tell.
I decided to share my story on Instagram and hopefully, this will help to break the taboo.
My mother bought me a customized gold necklace with her name written on it and a diamond over the I; one for her and one for me. I still cry about Lumi. I miss her so much.
It helps to share my journey and although I got my period back, I’m not ready to try again. I’m too scared. Instead, I’ve applied for midwifery school; I need to learn more about the whole female reproductive system and embryonic development. I need to share my journey and be there for others.
-Justine Katja (follow her on Instagram here)
Back in June of 2016, I found out I was pregnant. I was honestly so over the moon excited, and shocked! My husband is an Active Duty Marine and I had our wedding ceremony (we had a courthouse wedding a few years earlier and saved up for a big wedding with friends and family) in Sept 2016.
So I made new plans to get a new dress (one that would fit my pregnant belly, etc.) I felt nauseous all the time and overall felt pregnant. My family was less than thrilled for some reason. Yeah, I was 21 at the time but it’s not like I was a child. It broke my heart to not have the support of some of the people in my family. We lived about 9 hours from our hometown (my husband was stationed in Chesapeake at the time).
We had our first prenatal appointment when I was supposed to be about 10 weeks pregnant (middle of July). I remember being so excited and not worried at all about miscarriage – it really never even hit my mind. When the doctor began performing the vaginal ultrasound the first thing he said after a long silence was, “Are you sure about your last menstrual period date?” And my heart sank. He saw a sac but nothing else, no fetal pole. He told me to have a repeat ultrasound in about 2 weeks.
I left in tears. Completely heartbroken. I never even spotted. But less than 3 days later I started spotting. They told me that if I miscarried naturally that it would be like having a period. And let me tell you that was not at all what happened.
It was a Saturday night, and I had stood up and I felt a gush. I had passed a huge clot. And to be honest, I thought that was the miscarriage. But that was only the beginning. The following morning I had cramps, nothing too bad, and was still bleeding. My husband was at work. Around 6 pm that evening the cramps were really intense. And I began passing more and more clots.
I remember the nurse saying it should be like a period bleed and not bleeding through more than a pad an hour. I was bleeding through WASHCLOTHS. I placed a washcloth in my underwear. And then I finally ditched the panties and was just standing over a towel as I was doubled over in agony, having no idea what was going on. “It’ll be like having a period”… my ass.
There was blood everywhere. I remember calling my husband and leaving him a text message telling him it was happening and what happened the previous night was nothing. Just when I thought I couldn’t take any more pain, I pushed out a huge clot, literally the size of a small potato. And the cramps started lightening up. I was in complete shock. I finally got a hold of my husband and he came home. I was vomiting at that point, not 100% sure why. Some days I’m still in shock that I miscarried completely on my own, and for a while (and sometimes still) I resent my husband for not being there. (Not like it was all his fault, but still).
It took me days to recover from the trauma of just miscarrying. I’ll never know if I was carrying a boy or a girl. But in my heart, I felt like it was a boy. His due date was supposed to be Feb. 15, 2017
We ended up getting pregnant again in Sept 2016, and our rainbow baby was born April 30, 2017. And we just welcomed our second child on Feb. 4th, 2019. Pregnancy has forever changed for me. It doesn’t get easier, the thought and worry is always there. But for me, the more I talk about it, makes it a little bit easier. I never stop thinking about who that baby might’ve been. But I know he or she was looking out for his younger sister and brother while they were in mommy’s tummy. And I hope one day, I can meet the child I was able to carry for so briefly.
-Jacqueline Dominique (follow her on Instagram here)
Be sure to check out all of the stories here!
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