Miscarriage, Stillbirth & Infertility Series – Part Three
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When I had my first miscarriage in January of 2017, I shared my story on the blog and with my community on Instagram. In the weeks that followed, I experienced so much love from strangers and heard so many personal stories of miscarriage, stillbirth, and infertility. It was truly inspiring.
The kindness that I received, along with the knowledge that not everyone feels comfortable enough to share their story and get support in their daily lives inspired me to ask others if they would be brave enough to share their story with the world.
It is my hope that these stories will help people experiencing miscarriage, stillbirth or infertility feel a little less alone.
This is part three of the series, but you can check out all of the stories here!
Please note that some individuals have requested to remain anonymous, so there will be no name accompanying their story.
In February of 2018, my husband and I found out we were expecting our second child. Our son had just turned one and we were excited to continue to grow our family. The moment after I told my husband, I also told him that I just KNEW we were having a girl and her name was going to be Johanna Rose. We told our family at Easter and continued to look forward to October.
Just before our 6th wedding anniversary, we had our 20-week ultrasound. It was a girl!
A couple of weeks later we were called by our doctor. She said that the ultrasound had shown that our daughter had a hole in one of her ventricles. We were referred to a specialist who referred us to another heart specialist. Everyone said the same thing… Johanna had an AV heart defect and she would grow well in the womb but would need to be treated with meds and surgery when she was born.
August 24, 2018: We went to see our heart specialist for a routine checkup. Not even a minute into the ultrasound, he looks up and says there’s no point in continuing. I need you to go to OB and Delivery.
Our sweet baby was alive but her heart had gone into distress. Once in OB and Delivery, our pediatric specialist did another ultrasound and said we had a 1% chance of her living if we delivered then at 30 weeks because of her heart. The chances were slightly better if we gave her a week to stabilize inside the womb before delivery.
I went home that day knowing that my daughter might die but hoping for a miracle.
We went in the next week on August 29. I looked desperately for movement on the ultrasound but saw none. The technician looked at us and said, “She’s passed”, then left to get the doctor.
They started induction that night. Labor started at 2:00 AM and I delivered a perfect baby girl at 4:58 AM, weighing 4lbs 3oz. I held Johanna Rose for the first time and the last time on August 30, 2018. My miracle baby and precious daughter. My husband had the girl he always dreamed of and my son had a sister. We still do, but in a way we never imagined.
-Amber Beyer (Follow her on Instagram)
We first got pregnant accidentally while on an IUD, we lost the pregnancy after a few weeks and my feelings about needing to have a child increased dramatically after we lost that pregnancy.
We started trying a few months later and I got pregnant right away but we lost that (twin) pregnancy too.
We got pregnant the next cycle and still are. The amount of time we were TTC was relatively short but it was a pretty hellish period and I had never felt sadder.
Dealing with that sadness while trying to push forward with TTC was a real trip for both of us.
I was 17 years old and had no plan on getting pregnant anytime soon. Especially so young. But it happened, and I was honestly the happiest I could ever be.
I was about two months pregnant or about to be three months. I wasn’t sure of how far along exactly until the tragedy had happened.
That morning I woke up feeling “off” for some unknown reason. I felt like something was wrong, but I wasn’t trying to freak out. I had gone to the bathroom and I saw the tiniest bit of blood in my underwear…my heart dropped but as people told me, that could be normal, so I tried taking my mind off it!
I went fishing with my father that day. It was beautiful out. Honestly, it seemed like a perfect day, I thought everything was fine! While we were fishing I had mentioned I just didn’t feel good for some reason. We left. Went grocery shopping real quick.
I went to the bathroom there to check if I was still bleeding…NO BLOOD! Thank god! I was so relieved! But I was having this weird heavy sensation in my stomach. All I felt was pressure.
We get home…I had to go to the bathroom this time! Blood. Everywhere. I broke down. Started hyperventilating. My boyfriend’s mother said some women still have their periods in their pregnancy. So I tried to just lay down and relax. Keep my feet propped and stay positive.
The moment I actually started to believe everything was okay and it was normal…I got up from the couch. Walked to the bathroom to brush my teeth.
And what happened next I will never forget.
This huge glob like feeling came out of me. I don’t know how to explain it. But I just knew it was my baby that had come out.
I throw my toothbrush and pull my pants down and there was my baby. The veins. The face and eyes were starting to appear. The little indents of where the arms were going to be growing from. I knew it was my baby. I ran and got my dad. I had taken a picture of the miscarriage, I couldn’t deal with the thought was just not having it. That night was….hell. Complete hell.
Miscarriage changes you. It breaks you. I felt like I couldn’t be myself again after that. I was full of anger, sadness. Every terrible feeling there is. I was simply….going through the stages of grieving.
R.I.P. to my first baby. You have no idea how much I loved you from the second I knew you existed.
But I am blessed to say that it is indeed true that God sends us a rainbow after a storm! I had prayed and prayed to have my baby back and for God to show me a rainbow in the sky. A couple of months went by, and on my lunch break at work. There was a rainbow. The next day…another rainbow. Two days after that…I had been blessed with my rainbow baby
There is Hope. God does listen to your prayers. Everything does happen for a reason no matter what it is. I’m sorry for anyone who has experienced a loss of their child. A loss is a loss no matter how big or how small. Baby dust to all that are trying again! Stay strong. Rainbow baby boy is due September 23rd, 2019. He’s healthy as can be. God bless.
-Sophia Ager (Follow her on Instagram)
My husband and I just got married in August of 2018. I found out I was pregnant on December 15th, 2018 after trying for 5 months. My husband was away on a guys weekend. I went to the store, I bought him a mug that says world’s greatest dad and a dad book. I wrapped it up and put it on the kitchen table for when he got home the next day. I was going to a party that night with friends and met up with a good friend for dinner that night. During dinner, she handed me a Christmas card with a photo her and her partner had done by their photographer friend. She told me to flip it over. On the back was her pregnancy announcement. I did the math.
I told my husband the next day and he was so excited. We cried together and shared a long hug. I called my doctor’s office but couldn’t get in until early January. After the holidays. I saw my doctor at 6 weeks, I went for bloodwork and booked our first ultrasound for January 17th. I was so excited.
On January 14th, I was working my shift at the hospital (I’m a nurse) and I went to the bathroom and noticed a small amount of brown blood in my underwear. I was freaking out. I texted my husband and told him what I saw. I went to my nurse manager and told her what was going on. She didn’t even know I was pregnant. She agreed to let me leave my shift and go to the emergency department. I went to the emergency department, had blood work drawn and waited for the ultrasound. My husband was at work at the time. He said he would leave work but I told him not to. That I would call him if there were any problems. Other than the small amount of old blood I felt okay. I didn’t have any cramps or anything. I went for my ultrasound. I just remember staring at the ceiling, holding back tears as the ultrasound tech clicked her photos, and moved the wand around. Finally after what felt like hours. The tech spoke. She said “we aren’t really supposed to say anything, but that’s cruel. You see that there? That flickering thing? That’s the heartbeat. You’re measuring about 7 weeks, which is behind where you say you are, but that happens sometimes.” A sense of relief came over me crying tears of joy. “Oh thank God,” I said. I went back to the emergency department waiting for the doctor. The doctor told me I had two small subchorionic hematomas, and that would explain my bleeding.
I still went to the ultrasound on the 17th so my husband would get a chance to see the baby. The ultrasound tech this time was very stoic, not saying anything other than it was measuring behind again at 7 weeks 2 days, but the dating still lined up with what the previous ultrasound said she offered me a picture to take home.
I had no further bleeding and was feeling pregnant as ever. My nausea was lasting all day, and I had so many food aversions. I saw my doctor again on February 7th and we got the referral to go for the 12-week ultrasound and genetic testing. The appointment was for Valentine’s day. We were so excited to announce our pregnancy as soon as we hit the 12-week mark but decided to wait until the 14th so we would have an ultrasound photo for our pregnancy announcement.
We went to the ultrasound appointment so excited to see our baby. We were now 12 weeks and 5 days along, we knew it would now look less like a tadpole and more like an actual baby. We went into the ultrasound room. The technician applied the ultrasound gel and was moving the probe around a lot. She asked me to go empty my bladder as it was very full. When I returned to the room, the technician was taking with my husband and verifying dates. She said “I’m not trying to scare you but I’m having a hard time finding what I need to. At this point in your pregnancy, it should be very easy to see what we need to.” She asked if she could take one more look, and I agreed. I knew from the picture on the screen that something was wrong. From my friend’s ultrasound, and the pictures online I knew that what I saw was not a 12-week ultrasound. She just said “I’m sorry. I’m going to call your doctor to see you today.” I was so confused. I still felt pregnant. I was nauseous as ever. But I knew it was over. And I hated myself for it. I felt betrayed by my own body. I still feel betrayed. The technician gave me the ultrasound report to give to my doctor.
Once we had an appointment with my doctor I ran out of that building so fast. There were women with their babies in the lobby of the medical building. I ran so fast. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t expect this to happen to me. Why me? We went to my doctor’s office and she went through my options. To wait and see, or have a D+C. I was so heartbroken. The fact my body had not passed this baby naturally in the 5-6 weeks since I lost it made my decision for me. I elected for the D+C.
I saw the OBGYN the following Tuesday, about 4 days after we got the news. He told me I could go for the procedure that night or I could wait until the morning. I elected to have it that night. I arrived at the hospital for my procedure and was taken to the day surgery unit. The nurse was going through all of my preoperative questions. She asked when was my last menstrual period. I stated, “November 17th.” she paused for a few minutes. Then she said “So, are you pregnant or something? What’s the story here?” I replied “Currently, at this moment yes. I am pregnant. After this, I will not be.” The tears flowing down my face. I was so hurt by her remark. I would answer her next questions but I couldn’t even look at her I was so upset. Perhaps, if she had have taken the time to read through my chart she would have realized how inconsiderate her comments were. I accidentally hit my call bell and an older nurse came in the room she had asked if I was given any resources or information packs on miscarriage yet and she brought them to me. She informed me she had two miscarriages in the past, and that she now has two adult sons. She told me how difficult the road ahead would be with the fluctuating hormones, and dealing with grief. Thank goodness for this kind nurse. What a total 180 from the previous nurse.
I was brought into the OR at 7:30 PM and at 8:40 PM I was on my way home. I had little to no pain, and minimal bleeding at the time. I bled steadily after, but nothing too substantial. The next Saturday I went to the bathroom at around 11:30 pm, and passed a massive baseball size clot. I suddenly felt really sick, like I was going to pass out. The bleeding just kept coming. I was scared and made my husband drive me to the hospital. I was worried I had an infection, or “retained products”. I was seen almost immediately. Bloodwork was drawn and I had to wait for an ultrasound. I was given something for pain, as I could barely walk I was in so much pain. I finally got an ultrasound the next morning at 10:00 am. The ultrasound was normal, and I was sent home with pain killers. The bleeding eventually subsided and so did the pain. What a relief to know that they got everything. I was so worried I would have to go for another D+C.
I followed up with the OBGYN two weeks after the procedure. The doctor recommended we wait 2 cycles before trying to conceive again. He told me that he was going to help me through this. That I would go for blood work during my second cycle to check my hormones and see him in 8 weeks time. He said when I get pregnant again he will be watching me very closely and putting me on baby aspirin and progesterone. I was pleasantly surprised to hear how seriously he was taking my miscarriage. I was expecting him to just discharge me from his service after my two-week follow-up, and tell us to try again. From what I’ve read most doctors don’t start doing anything until the second or third miscarriage.
My first cycle returned 32 days after my D+C. And my second 29 days after that. I have been using OPKs to track ovulation and my husband and I have been regularly doing the “baby dance”. I am about a week away from my fifth cycle, or hopefully, my “big fat positive” – the wait is killing me. I am so excited to start trying again for our rainbow baby. I am so scared, but also hopeful that our next pregnancy will have a better outcome. “Different pregnancy, different outcome.” I hope.
Going through this miscarriage has been the hardest thing I’ve ever been through. I’ve never felt so empty, so dead inside. It’s amazing the bond you build with something you’ve never met. I had so many plans for my baby. Plans that will never be. My good friend and I were supposed to be pregnant together, we spoke every day and supported each other. We planned to do maternity photos together. We had plans for our maternity leave together. Plans of traveling with our babies. We were only supposed to be 2 weeks apart in our pregnancies. My relationship with her has been tested. I am trying so hard to be happy for her. As each milestone passes in her pregnancy I can’t help but be sad thinking about what could have been. Would my baby have been a boy or a girl? I guess we will never know. I am trying to be happy for her. I hate that I am jealous of what she has. With time it is getting better. It is not her fault this happened to me. She needs me to be there for her, and I am trying very hard to be there for her, and be happy for her.
-Chelsea (Follow her on Instagram)
Be sure to check out all of the stories here.
If you would like to share your story, please click here. Thank you!