MISCARRIAGE

I Had A Miscarriage At 8 Weeks

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I Had a Miscarriage.

Last Wednesday, my husband, toddler and I were anxiously awaiting our doctor in the exam room. We were anxious about how long we’d been waiting because we had plans to pick up my step-daughter after our appointment.

We’d had a scare a couple of weeks prior and they had put me on supplemental hormones, but on this day, we weren’t thinking that something was wrong. We were simply waiting to have the doctor take a quick peek, get a few new sonogram photos, confirm our due date and be on our way.

But, on some level, I’d felt like something was wrong with this pregnancy, and I’d mentioned it to both my mom and my husband. I wasn’t having any morning sickness, I’d stop feeling quite so uncomfortable and I couldn’t picture myself more pregnant or with a baby by the end of the year. It wasn’t really something I could explain, but it was there.

Yet, as we waited in the exam room, I’d pushed these thoughts away. After all, I’m always trying to prepare myself for the worst (and the worst rarely ever happens). I was a worried wreck with Graci, too, so I was trying my best to chalk up my feelings to anxiety, and was doing a pretty good job of it.

When the doctor finally came into the room, he asked how I’d been feeling. I told him that I hadn’t been having morning sickness which was amazing. He said maybe that meant I was having a boy.

As soon as he inserted the ultrasound wand, the baby popped up on the screen. But instead of focusing in on it, my doctor kept trying to change the angle of his view.

I could see on his face that something was wrong.

After a few moments he told us that he couldn’t see a heartbeat. My heart immediately sank. A few moments later, he used the doppler to try and see if we could hear the heartbeat.

Instead of the constant boom boom boom, we heard absolute silence.

My husband and I both knew what that meant. Our baby was gone.

We should have been 9 weeks pregnant, but the baby passed away at 8 weeks.

How Could This Have Happened To Me?

The doctor left the room to get paperwork and information for us. My husband and I were clearly distraught and I had already started crying. But this initial pain was nothing compared to the moments that came later that night and in the days since.

Even though I had a feeling that something was wrong, I’d done a good job of trying to ignore myself. Besides, I’m confident now that there is no way to prepare yourself for a moment like this.

Almost immediately, I started having questions.

How could this have happened to us? We had a healthy toddler with an uncomplicated pregnancy.

Was it something I did? Something I ate?

Could this have been a one-off thing, or was Graci our one healthy baby?

The Surgery

Early Thursday morning, my husband and toddler accompanied me to the hospital for a D&C. (I won’t go into what that procedure is because it’s the part of my story that bothers me the most.)

As soon as I saw my doctor again, I asked him more questions based on research that I’d done the night prior. (Thanks Google.) He assured me that after testing was done on the baby (or tissue as they call it), we’d know more.

The hospital staff was all very kind, and many of those that I met offered me their condolences on our loss. I was relieved that I felt so cared for on this absolutely horrible day.

Overall, the surgery was quick and I experienced very little physical pain or discomfort in the days after.

While I had expected to bleed a ton, I barely bled at all. While I had expected to need major pain killers, I didn’t even need an ibuprofen.

My loved ones were so happy that I was healing so well after the surgery, but it bothered me.

Why?

Because how could my baby be there one minute, heart beating on an ultrasound and then the next minute my body was empty with very little sign that I had lost anything at all.

Emotional Aftermath

To say that we are shattered would be an understatement. We always knew this was a risk – and thought we had prepared ourselves in some sense – but man, were we wrong. You absolutely cannot prepare yourself for something like this.

In the days since finding out that our baby was no longer with us, my husband and I have both had moments of excruciating pain. There’s this pain in our chest that never completely dissipates, and the grief sneaks up on us when we don’t expect it.

One of the strongest feelings that I’ve had to contend with is guilt. Guilt about my body’s role in losing our baby, guilt about my reactions, guilt about caring for my husband enough or guilt about having to tell my step-daughter that we wouldn’t be having a baby.

The feeling of guilt has been especially strong when I think about how I never understood what other women were going through when they experienced loss. I thought it was something that you prepare yourself for, and take it as a risk when you get pregnant. If it happens, you just try again.

Yeah, take it from me – it doesn’t work like that. You can’t prepare yourself for a loss like this. Even though I lost my baby at 8 weeks, it was still my baby and a loss like that isn’t something you just get over.

And “just trying again” is complicated and a very personal decision for a couple to make. The heartache may be enough that they decide they never want to take the chance again.

Why We Are Sharing Our Story:

We decided to share the news of our pregnancy right away this time around. We knew it was a risk, but we figured that if something bad did happen, we’d have the love and support of others.

Now that the worst has happened, instead of trying to pretend like this pregnancy never happened, we’re putting our story out there because we know we’re not the only ones to experience this. I try to share all the ups and downs of motherhood, depression and anxiety here, and this is a very real, raw part of my story now.

In fact, I feel like my identity has changed. I’m no longer just a mom, I’m a mom who has experienced loss. Nothing that I can ever do will change the fact that I lost my baby. The pain will never go away completely and I’m having to come to terms with that.

We’ve seen incredible kindness from loved ones, co-workers and medical professionals. Our doctor was incredible and we are so grateful for everything he did for us.

When I shared my broken heart on Friday on the Growing Graci Instagram account, my husband and I received almost 200 comments and almost 700 likes on our post. The amount of love that we received was incredible. Hearing other women’s stories was painful and yet so healing to us.

So here I am, trying to share our story in hopes that it will help someone else.

6 thoughts on “I Had A Miscarriage At 8 Weeks

  1. I am 29 and have 1 child who is 12 . I am now divorced who I married wasn’t her biological father .However we tried for years to get pregnant and had failed . All the doctors couldn’t find any reason we wouldn’t be able to . I started to think that it was just not meant to happen and had given up on the idea of having another child , of course it was heart breaking . We divorced and and 2- 1/2 years later my daughters father has come back into the picture after only being reunited for 4 months I find out I’m expecting ! I was so over the moon ! My daughter had been begging for a baby brother or sister for years . We were all delighted . I went and confirmed pregnancy at 5 weeks still to early to see anything . I surprised my soon to be husband my daughter biological father with a care package the fun Pinterest ones you see . We told our family and a few close friend with clever and inventive ways . At 7 weeks I woke up at 330 in the morning with spotting and a bit of cramping , called doctors and received a this is totally normal for women in there first trimester , the bleeding continued and started to become more noticeable cramps increased I made a decision to go to the local Er . After 6 hours and several of both ultra sounds they couldn’t tell me what was happening of if I was losing the baby so they sent me home with instructions to come back if the symptoms got worse . No sooner did I get home did the cramping and bleeding become awful and clots of large sized ( abdnormal large ) began to happen . I was gone form the hospital for an hour and came back to sit in a waiting room for 2 more hours so they can tell me what I already knew . Once confirmed I will never forget the doctor leaving the room and crying the hardest I have ever cried in my life for an hour to myself, by myself . The rest was kind of a blur I know I told my mother and my husband and my daughter and my daughter and I layed on my bed and cried . And I spent the next 4 days in bed just crying . A friend who has gone through it came to visit to try and help and it did . I journaled about it . I have never been cut this deep this amount of emotional pain is excruciating. The people that mean well and say you have more time you’ll have more , how angry you become and people announcing the pregnancy. The birth of there children . It’s been two weeks since than and I am currently crying writing this . I don’t know if it helps to know your not alone . I know I started making lists of what Dosent help. I know I can tell you the anger and the resentment and the guilt , that’s normal . For those who go through the same thing , my heart breaks a little for you , I understand the pain i understand the guilt and the jealousy and the rage I understand the questioning of your higher power . Please process they way you have to . It’s important to remember that you have to take care of you first .

  2. Hi si sorry for your loss, reading your story made me feel as if it was mine … we recently had a loss just like yours only our baby stopped growing at 7w3d and his/her heart stopped too! I went to my ob to my 10 week checkup and when he saw that our little baby was too little and couldn’t find the heartbeat no words could come out of him since he knew how excited we were to finally being pregnant after 7 months of trying … My prayers are with you and God gives you strength and faith for that Baby who now is your Angel !!

  3. It was great to stumble on this..I too at my 8 week ultrasound found out that my baby didn’t have a heartbeat either. About two weeks before this I started praying praying so hard because I just knew something wasn’t right but didn’t want to believe it.

  4. I know the feeling. Had a chemical pregnancy in april and knew about it because we were trying and my periods are regular but I knew something was wrong when I tested so many days after my due period and it was super faint, retested days later and still super faint and then the next day started cramping so bad 2 days straight and then just gushed blood and a massive clot 🙁 felt heartbroken but finally after a few months I felt ok and found out I was pregnant in August. Period was 3 days late when I tested and the line was very obvious. Retested next day to see it darker and then 2 days later darker. Was so excited but was also nervous hoping for the best due to my experience a couple months before. Went to the doctor because of it to be monitored early on. We did an US when I thought based on my LMP I would be 7 weeks 2 days but they said I probably ovulated on the later days which is still in the normal for someone with regular periods. So I said no problem. For the 6 weeks 2 days it was growing perfect and we heard a heartbeat! But after the US the next night I had a little spotting and then super faint brown discharge through out the week following. 10 days after the US, I had some dark brown discharge which worried me a bit but tried to ignore it until the cramping started which was mild but when i went to potty i saw rust color blood and then some red and I freaked out. We went to the ER and my beta came back at 18000 and they saw a “live” baby on the US but charted couldn’t get heartbeat due to technical error functions. The thing I started questioning was they said baby measured 6 weeks and 6 days when 10 days earlier on the US we did baby was measuring 6 weeks and 2 days with 153 heartbeat. And now 10 days later it only progressed 4 days?. When they did a bedside abdominal doppler we heard the heartbeat and it ranged 98-166 stable at 136 and we felt some relief. Went home, couldn’t sleep. Woke up and had some red blood and worried. Made appt with the OB to go in that day due to the nonsense we got in the ER the night before. Appt was for 2:15pm but I started cramping around 12:15p so we headed to the doctor early to get there at 12:45p and I rushed to the bathroom to then just drop loads of clots and tissue into the toilet, screaming for help in the office. They did an US and baby had passed. They said only a little tissue and some clots left but baby was unfortunately gone. As If I wasn’t hysterical already in the bathroom I completely lost it. This just happened yesterday and I’m distraught as i write this. I’m holding back so many tears to see the screen. I just don’t understand. I’ve been checked and been told everything is good. My husband’s been checked and everything is good. Why have we had 2 losses back to back? They say after the first , the next grows to mature. Unless the chemical pregnancy being so early doesn’t count. I’m trying to not lose hope or blame myself but it’s so hard. Did I jinx it by saying I’m not pregnant when all my coworkers asked? I was way too early I didn’t wanna share esp after what happened a few months before. I was scared to share so early. I was so excited but wanting to make sure everything was good before sharing with everyone other than family. Did I cause this by holding back the truth? Did I do something? Did my body do this? Will I ever have a full term healthy baby? I’m so scared and hurting so bad. I dont know what to do at this point. I dont want to go thru this again.

  5. After TTC for 5 consecutive years, we finally conceived but we didn’t know that for sure. I had a history of PCOS and most of the cycles were irregular and often with fake pregnancy symptoms. This time I also had symptoms and late AF so we thought it was all the same again. I have had enough of negative pregnancy test strips so I didn’t bother to check one. You can imagine how frustrated I could become to see one more negative strip if this is something I have been seeing for five years. So after 62 days I started having spotting. Three days of spotting and we then found out that I had conceived and it’s a miscarriage. The next morning I had massive bleeding with my amniotic sac in it. I literally held it and saw what I had lost. It was something we had been praying for, trying for, and we lost it. I was 8 weeks pregnant and had all the possible symptoms, but since the spotting I had stopped feeling anything more pregnant, just as you have mentioned. I suffered extreme physical pain for three to four days and then things moved smoothly. I have been strictly advised complete bed rest because my doctor said that I am anaemic and I will take a lot of time to recover. I want to conceive quickly now as I have figured out that we are all fine now. However I question myself almost every single night after the miscarriage, am I fine at all? I don’t know how to put this feeling in words, but this is too much for me. I cannot walk easily, I am not allowed to climb stairs, I am quite weak physically, but more than that I am weak emotionally but that’s only for me because everyone else feel that I am strong because I tolerated the pain so well and I didn’t cry for the loss. But I did cry, and I want to cry more. When I feel my physical weaknesses and feel that it may take a couple of months for us to try again, I feel what damage I have done to myself. I question again and again why was I so careless that I actually lost the most precious thing to me, my baby to be. If only I had this idea that j have conceived I would have definitely took immense care. But then I feel that everything happens for a good reason, and if I have lost it, it must be for the good. My Almighty Allah will bless me with much healthier and pious children in near future. I felt so close to what you have been through as I am going through the same. Lots of love and prayers for you and your family ❤️

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